And when I can't sleep I think about the stuff I saw all throughout the day before.
Most of the time nothing stands out in my mind in a big enough way to actually share to the world.
She died on the floor of a hospital as people kept ignoring her. Look at how the security guard did not even bother to check her. She had been waiting for over 24 hours to be seen. When she keeled over she was on the floor for an hour as security and staff kept ignoring her.
This is a message to anyone who has ever reached out to the world using any form of multimedia.
I'm sending you this because you have a unique position. You get to voice your opinion on anything you want and have people actually pay attention to you. Whether they love you or hate you your words reach through to the masses and introduce people to things. This introduction leads to people becoming aware of life outside the "bubble" of their daily existence.
How do you choose what to actually show on your blog, on your youtube, on your podcast, on your website, on your ____ and what to keep to yourself when there are so many things in the world that can grab your attention in both positive and negative ways? What is your responsibility? Do you have a responsibility to the people that will view you? Do you think your voice is a fainting echo or a powerful boom in the various nooks and crannies of the internet and the world at large?
Hmmm... I will have to get back to this question when I can answer it. I suppose my answer depends on whether or not I get any replies to this post.
What do I see when I am cruising yahoo for news?
Argentines find lost 'Metropolis' scenes
If you have no idea what I am talking about and you just happen to like anything related to the 1920s, to science fiction, to religion, to special effects, to Germany or to anything cool in general here is a sample of what you have been missing. In fact this is one of those cases where you will be saying "Where the hell have I been?" if you don't know about this movie and you do share all of the interests I listed.
This is the trailer for the standard version of one of my favorite films of all time and perhaps one of the greatest influential but not well known films of all time, Metropolis.
Keep in mind that this film, including the special effects, date to 1927. There are big budget movies coming up even now that pale in comparison to the quality of the effects that are in this movie.
Learned that lost footage was discovered officially made my night. Now you might be wondering why...
There were several scenes heralded by critics when the movie first came out but unfortunately the scenes were lost. Many of these scenes were considered to be the best in the entire movie. No one alive has had the chance to see these spectacularly enchanting scenes perhaps until now.
I wonder if I will get the chance to even glimpse it. I want to see true vision pure and uncut. I want to see the version that Fritz Lang, the director, said perfect to. I want to be just as bedazzled and enchanted as those 1920s critics were.
They better release it. They better! And you better go rent it!
So Strange that I Remember You,
kneeling deep in Nietzsche's lies
my throat was an open grave i drank your stained glass eyes
and they taste like dead cathedrals
that are crumbling beneath a weight,
ten thousand jaded tourists
who've traded in their hearts and hands for
disposable cameras, set to document decay
set to capture just enough of life to catalog the things we throw away
- So strange I remember you by Thrice
I found something out today and I don't know what to make of it. There was once a person that I truly did not like. We were extremely close in the past but I had to kick her out of my life because I could not respect a statement that she made. In fact I thought what she did was so unforgivable that I myself did not act like the nicest person to her when she was at her weakest. And though it hurts me to think about how terrible I acted, I know that with the anger I felt at the time I would not have done anything differently if I could back in time.
At that time I never knew words could be so painful until she said something that I felt was unforgivable. As of today I can say that I no longer feel that way. I can say that I do forgive her and will never forget her. But forgiveness still comes with limitations. The two of us will never be friends ever again. I can only look back and remember what went right and what went wrong. What a pity. She was someone that I could call a best friend. In fact she was the first best friend.
It was today she haunted me while I was online. I was on Like.com looking for dresses and I saw her familiar face. She has a particular look and eyebrow arch that was unmistakable. But just to confirm I went to her old myspace profile. On her profile, under occupation was the label model along with the company she works for.
She seems so happy now. I hope that its not a mere pose. I actually hope that she is not such a good model that she can fake that kind of happiness. I want it to be genuine. I want it to be sincere. And my gut is telling me that, more likely than not, she did change and that this change is genuine and this change is sincere.
At one point in time she was a person that I would have considered to be the farthest away from the light. And now there is something inside her that hints that she might be closer to the light than anyone I know. She had a dream, stuck with it, and it came true. She is a bit inspiring.
Its strange to me that she haunts me, popping up even when I am not looking for
her.
So strange that I remember her and for the first time ever I am not angry at her despite all the terrible things she said. I am not angry at all.
I am only quietly happy that maybe for the first time ever in her life, EVER, she might actually be happy.
I try to always include a song in every entry. This song is from one of her favorite childhood artists.
Here's to you Sam.
The subject of dreaming is a bit more than a hobby for me. It is a ritual that has been apart of my daily life since I can remember. Lately I have started to grow a little library of dream books because I have yet to find my Joseph and his amazing Technicolor dream coat. You would think that such a man would be easy to spot, especially living in Southern California. But I guess I'm out of luck for now.
In fact finding a "Joseph" would be one of my dreams coming true.
Bats for Lashes' What's a Girl to Do
When you love so long
That the thrill is gone
And your kisses at night
Are replaced with tears
And when your dreams are on
A train to train wreck town
Then I ask you now, what's a girl to do?
.
Moving back to dreams now. I have been told by many sources that I dream the strangest things. Most of the time I get fed up with dream books because of the stuff
they do not have in it. I swear I'm going to whip up a dream book of
the strange and obscure simple because I wish there was one. But I like collecting them and the meanings inside the books have helped some of my friends out. Perhaps I will practice interpreting dreams myself and become my own Joseph some day. I actually prayed for such a gift since I have been blessed with such strange dreams.
Here are some of the books I have collected:
And dere is a sweet and simple synopsis of some of my dreams:
I had a dream about...
- a dolphin. I was on an island with some people and not having a very good time. This dolphin came up to me and said "Ride me Wlei, Ride me!". And without thinking about the fact that a dolphin was in my room telling me to get on its back to ride it, I got on. When I got on I realized this was not just any regular dolphin but a pitch black dolphin that had the cosmos -aka universe - embedded into its skin. As I rode it I noticed that there was a part on the dolphin that remained constant while the rest of its skin actually moved through the universe. Turns out there is a dolphin constellation and that was the constellation that remained the same on the dolphin's skin. But when I had the dream I did not know there was such a constellation at that time. Kinda weird but cool.
- dogmen - Not werewolves. Not weredogs. But men that were half dog and half men. There were two variations of dogmen dream. In one I am sitting on a pedastal, holding a staff in my right hand with a dogman holding my left hand. He keeps licking it. Whenever I try to take my hand away he starts to whimper, takes back my hand, and begins to lick it again. In the second dream I actually attempt to get off my pedastal, only to have him swing me around back into another chair but same poistion. In the other variation of the dogman, I dreamt of a field full of sheep, with a wolf staring from hills far away, something happens to spook the sheep and they all leave. When they leave there is a sheep dog left behind. With no sheep around, a man litterally crawls out of the body of the sheep dog, stretches, then crawls back inside and follows the sheep.
- the end of the world. End of the world scenarios are actually the main dreams of my life. I can't remember a time when I did not dream of the apocalypse for a significant length of time. I'm not always scared in my dreams. In fact I developed something called an emotional subtitle, which I will go into later.
- my stuffed animals. It was a true nightmare and perhaps the only nightmare I ever had. I can't remember any others. I got it right after seeing the movie Child's Play at a babysitter's house. I was not even in the first grade. I don't know if she should have let me watch that movie but I do remember thinking it was a damn good movie and it was a bit scary. In my dream Chucky turned all my toys on me because I did not treat my Barbies and teddies well. They messed with me by chasing me into the living room onto a sheet, and then they all grabbed the edge of the sheet and started tossing me into the air with Chucky. When I was going up, he was coming down. I remember him looking at me and laughing. And I remember me trying to cry but I could not. They just kept tossing me higher and higher and higher. The roof kept getting further away- twighlight zone style. Then I woke up. I think if I kept dreaming I would have ended up in space.
- still talking to my boyfriend, after hanging up on the phone with him. The strange thing is he would have such dreams too, after ending our conversations at three and four in the morning.
If anyone out here has the gift of interpreting dreams, feel free to contact me so I can give you more details. Or if you think you might have a unique understanding, but maybe not a gift, still shoot something at me. I'm open to anything. I can't pay you for your services but I love the idea of bartering. I'd make you something cool and special.
My first real project to add to my portfolio. Something is better than nothing.
I was inspired by the movie Cocaine Cowboys.
So I am a bit of an anime freak... Not really but I like to think I can spot what may be big in the U.S. from time to time.
I wrote this entry to show off my latest anime pick - Hell Girl. Check it out before it too becomes big and you won't want to see it because everyone is talking about it. Unless you are not like me and do want to see what people are talking about because you are just that much of a conformist - or such a non conformist that by going along with the majority you are still reinforcing your individualism.
I've been watching too many South Park episodes... Moving on.
It is said life’s encounters are governed by fate. Within the tangled threads of destiny cursed flowers bloom. Pitiful and
frail, lost in their anger, their sorrow, their tears. Beyond midnight’s veil lies the revenge you could not exact alone…
Oh Pitiful shadow lost in the darkness, bringing torment and
pain to others, oh damned soul wallowing in your sin…
Perhaps it is time to die.
This is vengeance, so I am to ferry you to hell.
Your grievance shall be avenged
Here is how Hell Girl mostly runs.
Want revenge? Go online at the stroke of midnight. Go the the hell correspondence website. Type the name of the person you want to kill and why. Then submit. The cute 400-year-old little angel Ai a.k.a. Hell Girl will appear to grant you your wish. But not so fast. You got to listen to the conditions first so you can know what the hell your getting into to. And what you are getting into is hell, literally. Hell Girl will give you a doll with a red string tied around it. If you really want to rid the world of this person, you pull the red string off that doll's neck and your wish is granted - at a price. In exchange for taking your tormentor to hell, you go to hell too! Not at that moment but whenever you finally die in life. Sounds like a good deal right??
The first episodes of the anime are rather simplistic and repetitive
with bits and pieces of new information gathered by the viewer over
time. As the series progresses it gradually pulls you in by showcasing a wide array of characters and different reasons for wanting to send a person to hell. There were some twists and turns that I did not see coming. I was actually pleasantly surprised. The show's simplistic format enhanced the impact of the few curve balls I did not see.
Over time the story of Hell Girl and her trio is revealed. What? You don't just suddenly become the chick that ferries souls to the underworld overnight. Duh! It takes hard work and extreme circumstances. You had to be so mad that your anger did not let your body actually start to decay. You had to be so mad that your soul could escape your hatred. This is some serious stuff. But I won't tell you anymore. You'll have to watch to see for yourself.
Now that I've got that off my chest I move on to my second recommendation. You may or may not have heard of this book. It was a two day and a half read and I enjoyed every minute of it.
The name of the book is The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artist.
After reading this book,I learned some things about myself and possibly about the enigmatic, magical figure known as Michael. The more I read the game the more I realized I was game. Pure game. I never had a chance. He was pulling all his moves on me and I fell for every one of them because biologically it can not be helped. The difference between most girls and me was that I was aware what I was experiencing was not a normal nature and that made me a little bit shyer than I normally would be. Thank God for innate biologically blocks like my shyness. I could have been some P.U.A.'s field report headliner. Oh deary, perhaps I was... :(
I've come up with some rules for myself after becoming family with a bit of the rules of the game. I now present to you...
- Never dumb yourself down. Dumbing down makes you easy prey.
- Always stay true to who you are. The moment you give in is the moment of your weakness. I do not want to have the memory of some creep that managed to slither his in between the legs and into my life because of weakness.
- There is no such thing as true ASD (anti slut defense). There are only sluts in deep cover.
- Learn the traditional IOIs(Indicators of Interests). Be aware that you are guilty of them even if you do not want to be.
- Never look any guy in the eyes. You might fall for triangular gazing.
- Stop eye contact the moment eye contact is made. Triangular gazing is dangerous!
- F*** Michael. Damn hypnosis and triangular gazing.
- Be aware of the power of Synesthesia. Here is a test to see whether or not your vulnerable to Synesthesia - if you can inflict pain by casting mental images in others, but you can not picture mental images, you are ok. But if you get mental images, boy are you in for some deep sh**.
- Reread the book known as The Game. And if you have not read the book, please read it now for your own protection.
- Support your local AFCs(average frustrated chumps). Just go up and say hello. And be gentle, you don't want to startle the poor bastards.
- Donate money to the church. I realize that I am blessed. G-O-D actually put honest men in my life. And all this time I just thought they were a**holes and pulling fast ones on me when they were speaking. I have got to get out more. I'm too sheltered... But after reading the game, for me maybe thats a good thing?
- Never have sex. Until you are married or have been with this person long enough that you might as well be married. Anytime before that time and you are just another pawn of the game, a notch in the belt.
- Sex sucks. These guys become gods of the one night, one notch underworld in the name of cock worship. If things don't change soon, there will just be endless droves of men and women seeking temporary bedtime companionship, while during the daytime the masses never learn how to be honest with themselves and develop as strong individuals with a good sense of self.
Thank you Neil Strauss for ruining my life. Not only will I not take any man seriously ever again. I will never take any woman seriously either. You have destroyed any hope I had in finding the goodness in people. I now know that I will forever walk this planet of insanity. As lonely as I came in, I will go out. Thanks.
And oddly enough I don't hate the man. I love this freaking book.
This story might be a side note as to why there should be filters on computers in households with lil kids. Oh well.
The seduction community was starting to pick up was around the time I got regular internet access on a home computer. My late middle school curiosity got the best of me. I could not help but watch as it developed. The Game filled in special details to a world that I could only touch through a computer monitor. It was so insane to me that people, men, would do this stuff. Keep in mind that I did not understand hormones and sex for a very long time. I mean I got the basic logistics of it, but all that emotional stuff and even the concept of horniness went totally over my head. You have to understand that I did not become a true high school girl until high school was almost over. But my lack of understanding did not deter my curiosity. So every now and then I would subscribe to this newsletter or that website that promised new techniques, blah, blah, blah. Later in high school I moved away from it as I started to finally get the reason why this sites existed.
Strauss did a wonderful job with filling in the picture for me of what was going on behind the scenes of the computer screen. I wonder how many other girls and women actually watched and wondered too... I did it mostly out of fear that I would someday be outgamed. But it happened to me anyway. I can't believe it actually happened to me. F*** you Michael. F*** you. What we had was nothing special. I feel used.
:)
Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok.
I am just barely coming down off of the high that I experienced today - that natural high of being amazed by the possibilities in life. So many bad things have happened that I can never see the light coming until it already has arrived.
To think that if my life had gone in a certain direction... to think that if I was that average university student set to graduate on time... to think that I would have been stuck on a bubble of a campus never aware of... to know that I would never had the opportunity to be exposed to the things I saw today... is really crazy for me to comprehend. Life is just freaking weird. Life in fact is equally as beautiful as it is weird. You never know the impact you may have on a person.
Janelle Monae's Sincerely Jane
Are we really living or just walking dead now?
Are we walking dead now?
Or dreaming of a hope riding the wings of angels
The way we live
The way we die
What a tragedy
I'm so terrified
Daydreamers
Please wake up
We can't sleep no more
My mom was tripping on me pretty hard. She said I looked a little bit down. I suppose I did. What I experienced was a life changing event. My mind can not get out of repeating that there are people that exist in this world, that make money doing the things they would be doing in their spare time anyway, and they did not pursue a professional path to gain the skills that they have mastered. Their jobs are hobbies that just happen to make money for them. This is something they would be doing regardless. Damn repeat.
For me this means hope for the hopeless romantics. I found proof of the dream. I got a glimpse of my holy grail decorated in a halo of dead bees (there were oddly enough a lot of dead bees around - maybe there is a cellphone tower bee killer connection).
I can barely explain all the things this means to me besides important and big. And to think I was this close to not even going. It was just a class field trip... that I will cherish forever. It was to a digital studio called Ghost Town Media.
At this moment I feel that the main G-O-D is actually a social god that participates in the daily lives of the vast sea of souls. Maybe that G-O-D is poking me towards a certain direction in life. All I know is that for the first time I found a fit and it felt pretty damn right.
Right now I really, truly do not have the right to deny that their is a higher power active and its not a maybe or probably but a definite fact for me.
I'm not a fanatic but I don't have the right to say I don't believe. This is just some seriously crazy s***...
Wow.
Note: This is an update to the Broody Broad and her ornery man entry.
So. Some time has passed by. The pregnancy is coming along. And life has worked out in strange ways.
I have come to believe that I need to readjust my thinking... Yet again...
*Sigh...
In America once you have passed that 18 year old border there is no turning back towards childhood. And just because someone decides to get started significantly earlier in life when it comes to baby making and kiddie raising, does not mean that it is wrong. I still feel that it is a bit hasty if you do not take long term financial planning into account. And it does terribly upset me to know that a person is taking their parents and siblings for granted when it comes to raising a kid instead of being grateful that such resources are even present.
But if everyone waited until they were economically stable to raise a family, many people - specifically many women - would not be able to reproduce by that time. I mean is there such a thing as a prepared parent? Perhaps by the time kid number two or three pulls around. But for that first kid I would think that trial and error would be an understatement in describing the experiences that come. Besides, how can you truly determine what is economically stable or when the right time is the right time? As long as you try your best to make some happy babies that turn into happy kids that grow into happy adults, you have succeeded right? Right? Right? Riiiiiight?
Oh dear... Why must youth be paired with such naiveness and stupidity?
There were a two incidents of rather extreme natures. The incidents involved a baby mama on a rampage, harassing on the job, and slashing tires. It also involved a baby daddy stabbing a car and also slashing tires. And to top it all off, a fight over cell phone records, a grown man running away from his own family, and a physical confrontation all part of the show the happy couple was more than willing to provide at 4:00 am in the morning.
I decided to not fill in the blanks for a reason. People can sometimes make terrible mistakes when they are passionate. If you only look at people at their lowest you may never see just how high they can soar. While I think that the couple annoying the hell out of me are not only ill-prepared, mentally disturbed, and to be honest with you a bit creepy, they very well might end up making good parents.
But when it comes to relationships, especially concerning the circle around the baby daddy, this couple is burning bridges. They are absolutely destroying relationships - Godzilla style. People can only take you seriously for so long when you keep doing stupid things. The couple keeps doing A LOT of stupid things.
I only wonder what kind of sight she will make next time, driving in a car riddled with shank holes, with a baby in the back, getting out and holding a moltov cocktail in one hand with the baby sitting on her hip being cradled by the other arm. I wonder what her little girl will think as she watches mommy about to put daddy's car up in flames.
I am at odds with myself for hoping for the best while knowing just how psycho the two lovers are.Yet again there are no consequences for the pair. Whenever there is a blow up they try to get everyone on their side. Once they have split everyone up, they get back together like nothing happened. Now everyone is their enemy, they do not want any help from anyone - even though they are often using food they did not buy, a car they did not buy, utility bills they do not pay, and a home that they are not making any contributions to. They are adults doing very adult things indeed.
I wonder how I will look back at this entry and the one that it relates to. There will be no more discussion of the broody hen and her ornery man until this first baby is out.
I had the worst experience
in terms of book stores in my life last night.
I know that not all chains of the bookstore I went to are like the Santa Monica one because I had been to several earlier looking for
some really nice journals. And at each one I went to I
got outstanding service.
But not here. Here my friend and I were
followed around and bullied by security the entire time.
Garbage's The trick is to keep breathing
She's not the kind of girl
Who likes to tell the world
About the way she feels about herself
She takes a little time
In making up her mind
She doesn't want to fight against the tide
And lately,
I'm not the only one
I say
Never trust anyone
Always the one who has to put her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around.
I have no problem with
security. Being a person that looks as extreme as I do in addition to my
genetics, I get it all the time. But I know that security can be polite. They
can make their presence known in a non threatening manner. They can maintain a
close but respectable distance. They don't have to pick on you on a repeated
basis. They don't have to circle you from aisle to aisle and floor to floor
like a hawk. They don't have to use their physical body to try to intimidate
you.
It would have been easier just to tell my friend and me to leave.
But no one told us to leave. In fact for some strange reason when I did go to the customer service desk and I did try to find help I could not. Instead I just got more security.
After being annoyed I actually started to "play a game" just to make sure that it was not my imagination or minority paranoia kicking in.
She followed us to every corner of every aisle on every floor, up and down the escalators, back and forth. She was looking for reasons to pick on us at any turn. She was picking up books and flipping through them right next to us, with less than inches of space between her and us at some points. She even bumped into us, more than once, while we were looking at various books in various aisles.
Something this blatant and extreme of this nature had never happened to me before. So I did what I always do. I went up to her and started to speak to her – not to give her a piece of my mind but to address a situation that I did not appreciate in a professional manner. Funny thing happens though when people who pick on you notice you get fed up. They tend to turn their backs to you. When I began to walk towards her she turned her back to me. So I started to follow her. She was actually starting to pick up pace when I finally opened my mouth and said a very loud “Excuse me”. We had a short semi-tense, semi-pleasant conversation. It went something along the lines of this:
Me: Excuse me, do you have any good book recommendations?
Security: No. I Just work security.
Me: Then why did you tell me when we were on the first floor that this was the selection of journals that you had availible.
Security: I know the store layouts. I do not know the store inventory. I work on the promenade and I go into all the stores.
Me: Oh... Is this a hard job?
Security: No. This is a great job. I been here six months.
Me: Is there a problem?
Security: No. *She shakes her head a lot. There is no problem. Why is there a problem?
Me: Well. It just seems like you have been following my friend and I around.
Security: No. I am just making my rounds. I go around the areas of the store that are a bit lonely. *Bullcrap. We were in two highly traffic areas when she was following us and bumping into us. I meet a lot of different people here. A lot of great people here.
Me: And sometimes you meet people of an unsavory character as well?
Security: *Blank stare...like she does not understand what I just said... Ten second silence... You can find me here all the time. I go into all the stores on the Promenade. I also work in Culver City.
Me: Oh really? Culver City?
Security: Yeah. This is just an extra job, nothing else.
Me: Oh. May I have your name. *I extended my hand and offered a hand shake
Security: My name is L**** N***. I go by Lonelygirl. May I have your name? *She shakes my hand. Why did she give me her street name?
Me: My name is ****. If I ever come here again I will definitely say hi to you and speak to you.
Security: Well I'm always here at this time.
I headed down stairs with my friend to exit the store. Of course she followed us all the way down stairs. But before exiting I also
spoke to a manager.
Instead of giving them a reason to kick me out and doing the whole ghetto diva bitch fit where at the end someone always screams something about a lawsuit, I actually commended him, the books store, and her on their security. They did their job well. They did not want people of a certain nature in their bookstore. They used their presence to intimidate my friend and I to the point where they cause such an uncomfortable environment that it forced us out.
Great job!
I appreciate
being singled out on such a personal level as an affirmation to just how unique
and special of a person I am.
Ha…
Life is hard. I am not trying to make life harder for anyone else. At the same time I have to practice lightening my load of unnecessary crap whenever possible to make room for the the crucifixes that I do not mind carrying.
I knew from friends’ past
experiences that traditional methods of handling such situations do not work in
the real world. No one takes you seriously. You are just one potential customer
they lost out of many. And while what I did probably will never make a dent in terms of the world at large, for me, I feel like at least I did not fully swallow the stupid and historical bile that was flung at my face.
I wish that in the future, the people involved in the incident will be significantly happier in life. I really do. In fact I wish that they feel so good they do not even
try to use anyone else as the main target to release their stress or
hatred or to get rent-a-cop kicks off.
I am not a blowup doll for the problems of someone else’s life. If you spit something at me, I will spit it back at you, but it may not be in the same color or format. I’m a bit artistic so I will probably throw some calligraphy, glitter, and papier-mâché into the mix.
On a side note:
I have always liked Robyn. I am super duper happy that she is becoming popular in the U.S. again. Of all her new music I have to say that this song is my definite highlight. When her show is here I just might let her take away my paid concert virginity... nah....
I do not like the new version for the video of this song so I posted the original. I hope you enjoy!
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